...would it be inappropriate for these two people to have dinner together without anyone else present? What should the boundaries be for a male/female friendship? Should these be the same regardless of whether the people are single, dating or married? Should they be different to the boundaries between two friends of the same gender?
That's a whole stack of questions! I'm a Bible teacher, so if I stick to my area of expertise, I'd have to say that the Scriptures don't contain a set of rules about any of this. The Bible contains a stack of principles, not rules. And when you think about it, that's very helpful to us, because appropriate behaviour in friendships is very culturally conditioned. What's appropriate changes with culture, context and over time.
In parts of Africa, it's perfectly normal for adult (heterosexual) men to hold hands and walk down the street in public, as an expression of their friendship. Different cultures signal different things by hugging, kissing, physical proximity during speech... just to name a few relational practices!
But back to the question. Let's observe that Jesus was known for being a friend of women, including prostitutes and those from a less-than-upstanding background. I'm not sure that this meant one-on-one dinner dates with them, but it does mean that Jesus the single man found a way to connect with single women and cultivate deep friendship. Notice that Jesus managed to do this in a way that his integrity in these relationships was not compromised - although his enemies did call it into question repeatedly!
Jesus' experience is instructive. It criticises a tendency I've noticed in contemporary evangelicalism to go for a 'purer than the driven snow' approach, where it's never appropriate for two single people of the opposite sex to be seen together. I don't think this is always helpful. Such thinking isn't going to help our ministry among people with a same-sex preference.
Having said that though, we need to reflect on our particular context to work out what some appropriate boundaries might be. Here are some questions to consider:
- what expectations will this behaviour create for me or for my friend?
- what will others be tempted to think?
- is this a helpful way forward in our friendship?
- will this serve to show off the goodness of God in Christ, or not?
- can we actually talk about these things in our friendship? or about our friendship to others?
surely the issue is whether both equally see it as platonic not romantic. If they do, then relax and enjoy without worrying about rules. But if that's a bit doubtful, then a little more arm's length. Re observers, I dont think you need to fly a flag saying whether platonic or romantic, anyone concerned (ie wanting to start something romantic with one party) would soon work it out.
ReplyDeleteHi Jonathan - delighted to find your blog. I'll add another practical angle; as somebody who always enjoyed platonic friendships with women, it took quite a while to dawn on me that some of them were forming an impediment to developing a closer relationship with the woman I really wanted to be close to. I needed to prove to her that I could be a focussed "one-woman" man, even though there was nothing dodgy per se with the other friendships. It all worked out well in the end! - Ben Palmer
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