Is sex only important for beetles?

Question: Is sex only important for beetles, as you may have implied on the weekend (YAWA: our young adults' weekend away) by only mentioning it in that connection, or else what is its purpose?


Sorry for the absence.  Here's continuing our answers to questions.  


1. God created humans as relational, and sexual, beings.  Which is to say that our sexuality is an inherent part of our 'createdness', our physicality, our being, our identity.  It is part of who we are, so we shouldn't deny, suppress or marginalise that aspect of ourselves.

2. But sexuality is not the sum total of our identity, and should not be allowed to become a bigger part of us than it actually is.  So we don't obsess over it or give our physicality undue attention.  Crazy dieting and manic fitness fanaticism fall into the same error here.

3. Sex, or the intimacy of the sex act, for us (not beetles) occurs in the context of relationship.  That is to say, the way God designed it, the fullest and most intimate expression of our sexuality should mirror the fullest and most intimate expression of relationship - marriage between a woman and a man, out of which new life is created.  So a key purpose of sex is to partner, to fulfil, to consummate and strengthen the marriage relationship that is already there.  Or to put it another way, a marriage relationship without sex or with dysfunctional sex, is a bit like a car with three wheels.  It'll work, but not quite rightly.

4. Those themes of relationship, mutuality and creativity mirror who we really are - beings created in the image of God the Trinity who within himself expresses those three themes.  There is relationship, mutuality and creativity within and between the Father, Son and Spirit.  It's enough to make the mind spin!

How do two single people of the opposite sex have a close, platonic friendship?

...would it be inappropriate for these two people to have dinner together without anyone else present?  What should the boundaries be for a male/female friendship?  Should these be the same regardless of whether the people are single, dating or married?  Should they be different to the boundaries between two friends of the same gender?
That's a whole stack of questions!  I'm a Bible teacher, so if I stick to my area of expertise, I'd have to say that the Scriptures don't contain a set of rules about any of this.  The Bible contains a stack of principles, not rules.  And when you think about it, that's very helpful to us, because appropriate behaviour in friendships is very culturally conditioned.  What's appropriate changes with culture, context and over time.
In parts of Africa, it's perfectly normal for adult (heterosexual) men to hold hands and walk down the street in public, as an expression of their friendship. Different cultures signal different things by hugging, kissing, physical proximity during speech... just to name a few relational practices!
But back to the question.  Let's observe that Jesus was known for being a friend of women, including prostitutes and those from a less-than-upstanding background.  I'm not sure that this meant one-on-one dinner dates with them, but it does mean that Jesus the single man found a way to connect with single women and cultivate deep friendship.  Notice that Jesus managed to do this in a way that his integrity in these relationships was not compromised - although his enemies did call it into question repeatedly!
Jesus' experience is instructive.  It criticises a tendency I've noticed in contemporary evangelicalism to go for a 'purer than the driven snow' approach, where it's never appropriate for two single people of the opposite sex to be seen together.  I don't think this is always helpful.  Such thinking isn't going to help our ministry among people with a same-sex preference.
Having said that though, we need to reflect on our particular context to work out what some appropriate boundaries might be.  Here are some questions to consider:
- what expectations will this behaviour create for me or for my friend?
- what will others be tempted to think?
- is this a helpful way forward in our friendship?
- will this serve to show off the goodness of God in Christ, or not?
- can we actually talk about these things in our friendship? or about our friendship to others?

What about single men in their 30s?

Question: "We heard a lot of talk about single women Christians, but what about the men?  What advice do you have for them?"
Well, thanks for asking.  You're right.  A lot of our thinking and awareness around singleness in our context tends towards single women.  This means that a temptation for unhappily single men is to think that there's something wrong with them, since none of the many single women seem to be interested.  If only finding a partner were as simple as being the 'right' sort of person!
I shy away from offering any dating advice or 'how to find a spouse' advice.  I just know too many good and godly single men and women who are just that: single.
If anything the Scriptures invite us to trust that the Lord is good, and that God's purposes for us are for good not ill.  They also tell us to keep being busy about the Lord's work - loving and serving others, being engaged in mission and in encouraging your fellow Christians.  So....

• Find opportunities to serve in contexts where you will meet and keep meeting people.  
• Keep growing as a believer, keep being changed by the power of the Spirit and by the truth of the Word.  I find that men and women who are growing in godliness and in effectiveness as God's people in God's world, are intrinsically attractive.  
• Godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Timothy 6:6).  Work on both.  
• The flip side of this is that ungodliness and irresponsibility are unattractive.  So if you don't wash, don't keep reasonably healthy, don't have a job, don't have 'purpose' in life...
• Cultivate lots of Christian friendships, with both genders, with different ages.  And hopefully your Christian community is helping you out in this - see previous post! 

"Singles often get left behind by their paired-off friends". Comment.

Sorry for the week's absence!  I'm continuing to work through our questions from St Alfred's Redeeming Relationships teaching series.  The assertion above isn't actually the question that was asked, but I had to find a way to summarise the email I received.  It went something like this:

- in the teaching on Sunday, it was said that when a friend pairs off, you need to allow the new partner to become their 'main support' and withdraw a little

- ok, but what if this happens a couple of times in a row, and you're left as the single person with no support?  

- as a single, what do you do? 

I think this is a great question!  And it highlights again what we said repeatedly in this series - that relationships happen in a wider context than just two people.  And that the church community has a big role to play in caring for singles, marrieds, 'datings', 'recently broken-ups' etc. etc..  Just as Jesus came not to be served but to serve, Christians should look firstly to serve others in relationships.  

For the friend who is newly partnered, this means recognising that your new relationship has an impact on older friendships.  Enjoying a new relationship does not mean completely dumping existing friendships - we can do both, in godliness.  Do include single friends in your newly partnered/ married/ newborn-child lifestyle.  Don't assume they're not interested, have stopped loving you, or have nothing to contribute.  

If you're the single who is beginning to find yourself 'unsupported' and 'alone', then being open about this with your wider Christian community is a first step towards helping them love you better.  You can take the initiative to care for others (single or not), and to remake and remodel patterns of friendship and social activity.  I'm close to a single person who decided to have a birthday party in a park, with heaps of child-friendly activities, and heaps of married friends with kids.  The late John Stott was noted for - among other things - his love for children, and their love for him! 

Leaders within the church have special responsibilities to care for and love people, including organising and influencing the culture of the group.  My own sense of this has increased all the more through this teaching series (and blog!).  If you're the praying type, please do pray for wisdom and love from God, for me, for each of those in my care.   

What is a good way to ask someone out on a first (Christian) date?

"Excuse me, would you like to read the Bible with me?"
"Wow, that's a great WWJD bracelet. I've got one in blue. Would you like to see if our colours match over coffee?"
"I'm going to a prayer meeting. Wanna come along?"
Ok, enough fun for one post.  The question begs another one about dating, and all the cultural presuppositions that go with it.  If by 'date' you mean hanging out exclusively to get to know one another with a definite view towards marriage, then a good way to ask is by being up front about that.  Josh Harris in his book 'Boy Meets Girl' tells the story of how that happened with his (now) wife.  A bit of circling around each other, a bit of will-he or won't-she laugh at me, but eventually they awkwardly organise themselves into an exclusive just-him and just-her meal.
If however by 'date' you mean, 'I like that person and would just like to find out more, hang out more' but with no reference to how that person might feel about you, then perhaps the best course of action is to work out how to spend more time together in a group setting with other friends building friendship in that context.
"My church is running a marriage course this week.  There's free dinner if I bring someone along..."

Is it appropriate for a single woman to be a mother?

...sperm donor, fostering, adoption etc.. (the question goes on to note).
(Take a deep breath, answer carefully...)  The first thing to say is that I know of single mothers who have done a great job, under the most challenging of conditions.  So this isn't a discussion about the capacity of a single woman to be a great mom.  The question is about 'appropriateness'.
Let's start with the idealised context for parenthood: two perfect people, a man and a woman, united in the covenant relationship of marriage.  There you go, it doesn't exist because nobody's perfect.  From that starting point, we are then talking about 'best-case scenarios' out of a whole pile of less than ideal situations.
I'm married, we have kids.  They are no doubt going to be afflicted with their parents' imperfections!  Yet, that's a better situation than if I were a single father, or if my wife were a single mother.  Two parents are often better than one simply because it takes a lot of hands to do nappies, washing, cleaning up, feeding and bathing.  Unless of course one parent is a complete layabout.
Now, if you're a single woman asking the question above, it might pay to think about why you're considering motherhood.  Is it about you and your needs/ wants/ desires?  Or is about serving others?  That's a quintessentially Christian question to ask.
That would be the difference between sperm donation or surrogate motherhood and adoption or fostering. The former smacks of being more about a self-centred desire to be a mother, the latter about serving children who need help.  'Service above self' is the Christian way to go.
I can think of situations where a single woman might serve by fostering or adopting kids, but, again, this is a best-case out of a pile of less-than-ideal situations.  In Australia, I suspect that it would be hard (probably impossible) for a single person to legally adopt or formally foster children.
Christian communities, families and friendships are so important in this area.  I know lots of single people who get so much from meaningful, lasting and 'parental'-type relationships with their friends' children.  (And it's great for the kids too.)  Hint: single people can make fantastic godparents.  Find ways of being included in single and family life.

Is the Bible telling women to be more assertive in romance? (Like Ruth was with Boaz.)

When we looked at Ruth chapter three in our sermon series, we observed that Ruth was pretty bold, risk-taking and assertive in her pursuit of marriage with Boaz. But we also noticed many things about their cultural context that are very different to ours.
Lots of social expectations are deeply embedded in the particulars of our culture, history and context so it's impossible to be definitive. Instead of rules, wisdom is required! And on wisdom, the Bible has no shortage of things to say to us:

 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
  but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)
 A word aptly spoken 

  is like apples of gold in settings of silver. (Proverbs 25:11)

Or one of my favourites:

 Like a gold ring in a pig's snout,
  is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion (Proverbs 11:22)

What the Proverbs, and the wisdom of the Bible, tells us is that words should be used carefully, strategically and wisely. They are powerful. The Bible also tells us that physical beauty and attraction is literally only skin-deep and deceptive - dangerously so. That doesn't mean 'dress like a dag' and 'speak like a shotgun'. But it does mean that as much as we attend to appearance (which is a celebration of God's goodness and beauty in creation), we should all the more attend to godliness of character and wisdom in speech.
So, 'to be assertive or not in romance?' No easy answers. No blanket prohibition, nor open warrant.
Ruth took risks for the sake of God's plan to redeem and to save, and was assertive with Boaz. He was already known as a man of godliness, who would probably respond positively, as he did. So perhaps this is the lesson from Ruth: to be bold if you think that together you could make a greater advance for God's plans for good, than you could alone.